The Force: Too Much of a Good Thing?

I am writing this post to defend myself (an avid fan of the Star Wars saga) against undue harassment caused by my not going to see "Revenge of the Sith" on opening night. In the past, I have taken the time to see the new episodes on their respective opening nights. I saw "The Phantom Menace" on opening night in Salt Lake City, Utah with my sister and a guy she was dating named Bram (you'll have to ask her about him...its a long and bizarre story). I know I saw "Attack of the Clones" on opening night as well, but I don't really remember where I saw it or with whom. Heidi probably.

This latest release is perhaps the one I have looked forward to more than all the others. It may seem odd then that I didn't make a special effort to see the film at midnight, May 19, 2005. Let me explain. I have outlined my reasoning in a traditional three-point format. This, you may realize, is a very common method of dispensing information, and is found in 95% of sermons given at 85% of Christian churches across America and about 56.7% of other churches.

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1. My career makes attending opening night a difficult proposition.

Being a teacher, I do not have the luxury of staying up until 3:00 a.m. on a school night. Trying to control 26 third graders during the last two weeks of school, operating on minimal sleep is similar to dropping a plugged-in toaster in your bath and hopping in. They would have mutilated me emotionally and mentally. Where's the fun in that?

I could have gotten a substitute, but the District has made the last 10 days of school blackout days; meaning that I would have to have special permission from the Superintendent himself if I wanted a sub. He would undoubtedly know that I chose Star Wars over my job. Not a good impression.


2. Waiting in line for 2+ hours is not my idea of time well spent.

I think that this is probably one of the most annoying aspects of trying to be one of the first people to take part in a special experience. If the movie theater's line was somehow themed like the lines for the rides at Disneyland, I might consider it because my mind would be occupied.

Instead, I would have to stand in line and try to count the popcorn kernels on the colorful, tacky theater carpet. That is relatively mind-occupying, but eventually a single, 30-year-old man dressed as Chewy will shuffle by, kick the kernels, and ruin any chance of me getting an accurate count. Dang Wookies.

3. Theater ettiquite flies out the window at this sort of event.

I am one of those theater patrons who very much appreciates theater etiquette. I hate it when people are not mindful of the fact that they are in a public place with other people who are trying to watch a movie in peace. This problem is compounded when groups of teenage die-hard Jedi are in the theater.

Few things in life bother me more than having to say something like this during a great film: "Sir? Can you please stop whispering? You are being very distracting." However, during opening night of Star Wars films, the routine sounds a bit more like this: "Hey. Count Duku. Do you mind sheathing your friggin' light saber? I'm trying to watch the movie." or "Excuse me, 3PO? can you tell your buddy R2 to stop beeping? I cant hear what Obi Wan is saying about the Trade Federation."

To make matters worse, if I decide to get an extra bag of popcorn or some Reeses Pieces (TM) before the movie begins, I have to walk past Yoda legs and Ewok spears to get to the aisle, then I have to navigate the group of Jedi who are battling the 20 Darth Vaders at the front of the theater, then I must give the secret Gungan password to Jar-Jar flippin' Binks before I can even walk out the door!

As I head to the concession stand, I would probably see the line for the 1:30 a.m. showing (suckers). To my surprise, Captain Jean Luc Picard is at the front of the line.

What kind of sick, twisted world is this?

Finally, I reach the concession stand. Of course the guy at the register (who naturally looks like Jabba the Hut) thinks it would be funny to tell me that my "Earth dollars have no value here on Tatooine". Idiot. Just give me my candy!

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So there you have it. I hope that this post will serve to dissuade any of my friends from condemning me to a frozen eternity on Hoth just because I did not take the time to see Episode III on opening day.

May the Force be with you.