The 2004 Michael's Turkey Awards

Well, the day of perpetual gluttony and family time (sitting on the couch and watching parades/football with the top buttons of our pants unfastened) has come and gone. I had a great Thanksgiving with my wife and her family this year. Brett, Heather, and Nathaniel live here now and it was great to have the whole Simmons family together. It doesn't hurt that the whole Simmons family (the fairer sexes of the family anyway) are excellent cooks.

I think I have developed a new tradition that I will carry on through the years to come. Last Thursday, as the family marinated in post-Thanksgiving tryptophan, I selected my favorite Thanksgiving dish of 2004. In an unprecedented decision, I selected two dishes this year. You may ask, "Why is it unprecedented when this has never even been done before?"

I don't know. Shut up and let me finish.

And now, without any further adieu, the moment you have all been waiting for...

The two best dishes on Michael's 2004 Thanksgiving plate were...

Heather's corn casserole and Jeanette's homemade cavatelli with sauce!

Thank you everyone for making the first annual Michael's Turkey Awards a great success!

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Major funding provided by:

Pepto Bismol - The One That Coats is the Only One You Need

Rules of Engagement

Having recently heard about the Marine in Fallujah who shot and killed an apparently wounded and unarmed militant, I have been pondering what it might be like for me if I were in a similar situation.

One thing that the TV media will not include in their context-less reporting is the fact that the same soldiers who were doing a sweep that day had previously encountered booby-trapped bodies and false surrenders over the preceeding days. In fact, one soldier from that unit was killed when he inspected an enemy body and was blown up by an improvised, concealed bomb.

From what I understand, these Marines were not on a medical expedition, but on a front-line sweep to neutralize any present threat that may arise for the troops that were to follow. If this were the case, then doesn't the action of this Marine seem more justified? I mean, think about it. While this particular action was harsh and seemingly off-the-cuff, this is war. Its kill or be killed out there. I can't imagine trying to deal with that sort of situation.

On a bit of a sidenote, I am a huge fan of the game Command & Conquer: Generals. If you know the game, you know its a war game whereby the player acts as the commander of an army. Well, I was just skimming the website today and found a strategy tip for winning the game. Here's the tip:

"Kill Everything. Finally, kill entirely and never let wounded enemies live. Kill each individual unit before moving on to the next one. Aside from movement speed, all units perform at full capacity until the moment of their death (some get slower). A unit that is ninety-nine percent dead is as good as a unit that is undamaged when exchanging fire. This is one of the most basic, yet most important tactics in the whole game."

This is just advice on winning a game about war. How much more might this strategy apply in actual warfare? Something to think about perhaps.

Green Army Man

This is a really cool poem that I came across as I was randomly surfing the blog sites. This was written by Hugh in Dallas, Texas (who he is, I do not know). In order to fully give this man credit for such an imaginative poem, you can link directly to his site by clicking here.

If you were anything like me as a kid, I think you will find this a good poem:

Green Army Man

In a place where the sun

Doesn’t reach anymore

Sits a green plastic soldier

Who’s ready for war

With canteen and pistol

Molded onto to his side

He’s ever-alert

No desire to hide

With bazooka at ready

Waiting on bended knee

He peers through the scope

With nothing to see

His comrades were moved

Quite a long time ago

He was left and forgotten

Or at least he thinks so

'Til commander returns

He’ll remain at his post

But it’s the not knowing

That gets him the most

The seasons they come

And the seasons they go

It’s hot or it’s cold

But he doesn’t know

On guard, ever waiting

He sits motion free

In the crook of a branch

On a withered oak tree

Poised and patiently waiting

For something to blast

He wonders how long

His war’s gonna last

Intention vs. Behavior

Here is a thought that am currently pondering: which is more problematic, the idea of committing a sin or the actual commission of a sin? Jesus says in Matthew 5:27 & 28, "You have heard it said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." While I completely believe that this scripture is valuable in its meaning and intention, I have a hard time believing that thinking it is equal to doing it. If this were literally the case, then each man on this planet is a raging, unbridled adulterer.

Take in to consideration a lesser sin. I have been around certain idiotic people in my time that I would love to poke squarely in the eyes and to whom I wish to cause serious retinal damage. Obviously I do not perform the actual behavior (at least never a time that can be proven beyond reasonable doubt). Certainly the absence of ocular mutilation is better than if my fingers were given their way.

Or consider this from an opposite angle. If I see a woman being raped and I think to myself, "I should go right over there and beat the face off that guy," and then turn around and continue walking, could I justly say that my intentions were pure? I have known many who have been confronted with wrongs and immediately jump to the defense that "its all a matter of the heart." I doubt the raped woman would find solace in that load of philosophical poop-fest.

I will probably revisit this issue again. In the meantime, I would love comments and responses.

And the 2001 Idiot of the Year Award goes to...

This is an old article from my college newspaper. This is the first publication that got my goat enough that I had to write a response to it. In fact, the entry following this one marks my very first experience of sending a letter to the editor of anything. This was my initiation. More like an intellectual hazing really.

"Three different reactions to prank incident discipline"
April 18, 2001 -- Canyon Echoes

It was the Fourth of July all over again.

Bang...Boom...Bang!

That was the sound heard repeatedly through the course of the early morning Monday, Feb. 15.Echoing thunder of what sounded like gunfire awoke residents from the comfort of their apartments.

The campus reacted at this late hour with curiosity. Lights flickered on and the sound of 'roman candles', 'bottle rockets', and 'black cats' filled the air.

Members of Security, Residence Life, and even concerned students raced around campus to find the source of the ruckus.

But the place of origin was undeterminable. A boom could be heard over by Ethington Theatre, which was followed by more near the pool seconds later. The ubiqitous roar was running people rampant and turned the campus in cahoots.

After a few more explosions, members of Security had apprehended a suspect. SALT drummer was found fleeing by environmental services.

"I got caught by security and my roommates were implicated," said . "There was no evidence against them."

Sophomore David Crawford and former Student Director of Intramurals Keith Thompson also admitted to the fiasco.

"They didn't even catch me," Thompson said. "They caught running around and saw him get into a car; that's all they saw."

"They (Student Life) pulled them ( and Crawford) in and pulled me in because I'm their roommate and they asked if I was involved. I told them I was because I didn't want to lie," Thompson said.

It is rumored that about 15 other people were involved in the incident.

"It was intended to be a prank. It wasn't intended to scare anyone," he added.

said, "Our university actually looked like a college campus for the first time because there were people out after nine o'clock."

Crawford drove the getaway car and figured he'd been caught.

"I assumed they took my license plate number," he said. "A few days later, Student Life called and wanted to see me."

The humor of the tomfoolery was lost on the university.

Dave McKinley, dean of students, would not comment on any aspects of this specific case.

On page 14 of the student handbook, "tampering with fire equipment" is listed under major violations. First-time violators will receive 10 hours of community service, while 20 hours will be assigned after the second violation, according to the handbook.

The students were each given a major violation and 40 hours of community service. Thompson was released from his position as Student Director of Intramurals and was asked to leave his position on the SALT band by leader Justin Gramm.

"In college, you are going to have pranks," Gramm said. "The whole thing was just bad timing with the SALT cancellation a few weeks ago."

Director of Baptist Student Ministries Jeff Jimmerson refrained to comment.

"I did something that was against the rules and I've accepted the punishment," Crawford said. "It was within the bounds of what they (Student Life) could do."

Thompson said of his dismissal by McKinley, "I thought he was joking at first. He (McKinley) wants people on his team to be held to higher standards."

"I don't feel the punishment was fair," Thompson added. "I've never heard of anybody getting 40 hours before."

Because he was given this punishment, Thompson agreed to fulfill his part.

"I don't think people are going to think I'm less of a leader because of this," he said. thought this was an excuse to rid him of his duties as SALT's drummer. He described the matter as "the straw that broke the camel's back."

"Does any of this have to do with my Christian integrity?" asked . "This has nothing to do with me as a Christian. It was fun, it was joking, it was a prank and that's the bottom line."

..., Thompson, and Crawford!

Fun stuff! My friend Jason Hammond pulled this letter out from way back in the file. This is a letter to the editor of Grand Canyon University's Canyon Echoes newspaper in response to the article above. Both Jason and I wrote individual letters which were subsequently published side-by-side. It was really quite a sight. Jason and I are very alike when it comes to the desire to deeply cut people who appoint themselves living saints and who stand as paper monuments atop mountains of dog feces. If you would like to see Jason's response, click here.

"Leaders Should Use More Common Sense"
April 25, 2001 - Canyon Echoes

In response to the article "Three Different Reactions to Prank Incident Discipline" (Klimanowski, April 11, 2001) it seems to me as though we are dealing with three students who apparently have a rather difficult time employing common sense. These three men, two of whom were appointed leaders at Canyon, have shown a complete disregard for the authorities of this institution. Many of you may scoff at the apparent pettiness of this statement, but the truth is that these men took a position of leadership where they were supposed to uphold the values that Grand Canyon has established in order to set us apart from other universities. They failed to act upon these values in an appropriate manner and were justly removed from their positions. Why is this so difficult for people to understand?

My appreciation and respect goes out to Dave McKinley, Justin Gramm, and Jeff Jimmerson for choosing to take a stand on this and not allowing it to slip by under the guise of "boys will be boys." These are excellent examples of how true leaders act. It seems to me that Thompson, , and Crawford want their fellow students to buy into the propaganda that they have been victimized by the university because they received due redress for their actions. They try the line of reasoning that pushes the "it was all in good fun" idea, but the truth is that their "fun" was ill timed and inappropriate.

I have no problem with practical jokes or with fireworks. I do have a problem, however, with people who somehow think that their fun should be of paramount importance to everyone else, regardless of the effects on others. There is a time and a place for these things, but on the heels of threats to the university, late at night when people are sleeping? This is not one of those times. I hope Thompson, , and Crawford can begin to exercise just a little bit of respect for people who may be studying, sleeping, or otherwise have no patience for this sort of adolescent, middle-school form of entertainment.

As far as Christian integrity goes, I believe that words are cheap and that an individual's actions speak most clearly of the presence or absence of any true integrity. When someone who is out to "have fun" flees from campus authorities, and hop into a "getaway car" to make an escape, I think it is safe to say that person has obviously crossed the line of what is a harmless prank and what is a juvenile urge to break rules.

Quit defending your rights to act like eighth graders. If you want to make an issue out of something, try defending something that is truly worthwhile. Stop wasting our time.

-Anonymous

(I published this anonymously due to the fact that I worked directly with the University's Public Relations department and did not want to insinuate that my take on the issue in any way reflected a school stance. In retrospect, I wish I had put my name.)

5 Tips on Marriage...

1. It's important to have a woman who cooks, cleans, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is amazing in bed.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.